Dad

My Dad is far from perfect, he is not a super Dad and frankly speaking I used to have some grudge to him. I was yelled, beaten, embraced, loved, by a same person—my Dad. 24 years…almost 25 years I've lived in this earth and suddenly I remembered about my Dad while doing nothing in this messy room.

It is hard for me to see GOD in a form of a Father due to my own experience. My GOD should be a loving Father, almighty Daddy whose throne in heaven and will grant us the best in His liking. Heck, it is different than my own Dad for sure.

Still, I realize something then. My Dad wants to be loved; just like my GOD wants to be loved. I was born and my Dad took care of me in his way, which is a way he knows. My God also take cares of me in His way, the way He sees and knows the best for me. And many more details which I see there is no need to post them along here.

Even in my Dad, there is GOD in him and GOD wants me to love him as well. To respect him according to GOD’s law, thus understand my role as a child.

This makes me understand…in every person, we can see Christ in them—if we are willing to see GOD in His works.

Hello Japanese Manga~ you are exposed!

Looking at nowadays worldly creation, I wonder if humanity is already in a deep abyss. 

Bleach Guys, fan service for the ladies?

I used to be a manga (Japanese comic) fan and I’ve read many of those Japanese’s works. I know there are some manga that bluntly mocking God yet I also realized that there are many….too many manga deliver subtle message about the prince of darkness and softly invading into our mind to change our way of thinking or belief. Manga is not the only media Satan uses to deceive humanity; what you called as the works of art such as comics, movie, novel, poem, painting, etc are used as well. However, this time I will reveal my thought on manga.

I believe everyone in this world already know about manga (I bet you know about “One Piece”, “Naruto”, “Bleach”, “Nurahyon”, and many more that already been made into anime). They are comics, stories created from human creativities (which is scary enough since it reveals that human have a tendency to be a darkness society). Some manga are okay, but some are NOT okay at all.

Why do I say manga is dangerous?

It has undisguised porn. Showed in how the girls drawn in manga are exploited with sexy outfit which expose their bodies. Well, in shoujo (manga for girls) or josei (manga for women) there are boys exposed as well. Those sexy characters often used as “fan service”, I believe that those manga readers know the meaning of that. You might want to read the further explanation in Wikipedia tough.

Slashing people around~

A Scene from Nurahiyon no Mago 

Undisguised porn isn’t bad enough? Please be worry, they provide violence as showed in “Naruto”, “Bleach”, “Nurahyon no Mago”, “Claymore”, etc (too many of them…). Fighting, hitting, war, blood spilled, just name it and you’ll get it. Ever heard of a phrase “You are what you eat”? I guess it’s just natural if the society becomes violent society since they used to see violence.

While pornography and violence seem to take the lead on the stage, there is such a frightening brain washing in manga that lurking and becomes the most dangerous aspect in manga.

Shoujo (manga for girls) usually offer a flawless hero (the perfect guy, the cutie bad boy, the sentimental cute guy, blablabla) as a love interest for the heroine. I don’t know psychology but I know the girls will be dreaming of such guy for their boyfriend, they will long for a beautiful love story just like the manga they read. How could I write that? It’s personal experience… Even more, love stories in manga usually come with free sex, injecting the reader the way to prove your love is to give your body (having sex) to your loved one.  

Hot demon as a girl lover?

I’ve read so many manga that using Catholic Church as their inspiration (“07-Ghost”, “Hellsing”, etc), it is natural tough since the Catholic Church itself has too many bizarre teaching. However, some mangaka bluntly mocking God in their works and it seems that it is their nature. By using storyline where the demons are the one that were trampled as the victim of the unfair God, demons are struggling to be free from the curse or punishment, etc. It is strange enough though to see the very same idea in many manga. 

Before long I realized then, using this story line the demon is trying to brainwash us and claim himself as the victim and the good guy who only want to be free from a tyrant. They also share some lies by telling that demon can love human….gimme a break ~the very thing those demons want is killing us and drag us to hell along with him.

Furthermore about the “demon side”, some manga also offer us a story of a demon king, and that obviously tell us lies about the hell. It is true that the devil is reigning in his realm of darkness—will be over soon as stated in Revelation; still, it is such a lie to showing us that the lake of fire is just like onsen for them and there is a good life in hell, blablabla. I guess this is the reason that a friend of mine thought killing herself to escape from problems in this earth is fine.

I don’t care about people who said that it’s just a story, there is nothing wrong with that, blabla… my ears are deaf and my eyes are blind for such response. As I stated before, “you are what you eat”, will you be like the manga story? Will you be fine with pornography, violence, and damned lies in your life? Are you really believe that hell is not a big deal at all? Are you careful enough in picking your reading?

Picture speaks louder than words

Seriously, there are so many hidden agenda behind manga. However, I guess this post is more than enough.

Church Denominations???

It is a wonder to me when denominations of church became such a great deal. While some will take it lightly and consider all denominations are the same, some will differentiate and act hostile in this matter.


in my case, I meet this guy via twitter from my sis. This guy, eka, was a leader of campus circle of prayer. He's already graduated but my Sis wanted to share bout seminar (KKR in Indonesian) which was specially made for young generations--the college students. So she just ask this Eka bout to help share this events to his friends in campus. Then all of sudden he just babbling that campus is neutral and don't support denominations; on the other hand...the seminar has nothing to do with any denominations.God wants to make this seminar to spread the news of revelation 13, to warn and prepare them when the time comes. There's no other intention but to warn the young generation that the time is near and Jesus is coming very soon. 


Then this guy keeps saying the seminar would bring some denominations and students aren't object...Where's the part of making students as object? I also did tell him that we bring no denomination.I had a chat with my sis bout this guy and we reached a conclusion that maybe....just maybe...this guy had through some painful experience with church denomination then have some bitterness with it. 


Frankly speaking, it's kind of sad to see him keeps on insisting that we have other intention (in a bad way) in this seminar.And finally I just replied him 1 Timothy 6:4 and asked him to be careful 'cause sometimes...become paranoid or suspicious (really...he's way too paranoid) is a matter of his own heart.


I don't know if what I did is right...but I'm really hoping that he would understand that church denominations have nothing to do with Christ. The body of Christ is one and when someone want to share a good news (especially 'bout the second coming of Jesus or warn you 'bout the anti-christ) please don't be deceived by the devil and helping him with your negative thinking.


I hope that I can reach out and ask people to pray first before putting any hurting thought on someone; also, I want to share my thought of denominations.Yes, there are many church denominations and often...they are clashing one to another. However, their Master is Jesus. Jesus has great plans to every denominations and He won't let them ruined because of unreasonable clash. 


Body of Christ is one, how can it become one if we keep on differentiate and avoid some certain or all denominations? Don't you dare to judge any denominations...


Matthew 7:1-2"Judge not, that ye be not judged.  For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again."


Is church denominations important? What's important is love Jesus, follow Jesus, pray to Jesus;not to someone else.




If you don't like some denominations so be it, don't judge them but just let them. There might be something that different from the way you do but God loves them, who are we to judge them? Their Master, Jesus, will take care of them so just be still and worship God...He has the ultimate control over everything.

Heart Test

http://soliloquyofastranger.deviantart.com/

These past days, my prayers were granted. I asked Lord to destroy my ego and indeed He’s working on it  now.

I used to have a super unpleasant personality and prefer to leave whenever I felt hated, rejected, and unwanted. I don’t know where were they come from but those were just there.

 Hated, rejected, and unwanted—I did shut myself because of these three feeling.

My oldest memory that I can feel really strong even now is the time when my kindergarten teachers treated my differently than another child. Well, the other child was sick and pukes; that event affected me and alas~ I puked as well in my lunch box. While the other child treated kindly, I was scolded and told to wash my lunch box all by myself at the back of the school (I was weeping as I washed the box). I wondered and even now I wonder, did I do anything wrong or bad? Why was I treated differently? Was it because I am ugly? Was it because I am poor?

I can tell you more about my ruined soul, but they are all trash. I only need to open one depressing memory as an introduction to my twisted old personality.

It turns out that the character built by such experience would be an unpleasant one. I was proud and pulling myself back whenever I sense that there are people who don’t like me. I didn’t want to say “Hi!” before people reach me. I felt that if I don’t have any use for a group then I am unwanted. In other words…I didn’t have any self-confidence on myself and always longing to be a beautiful lady so that people would love me. Low self-esteem, insecurity, self-hate followed by envy to others that seems to obtain what I wanting. I even dreamt of being a daughter of a rich family so that I could do or have anything I need to be loved.

What a world for me, eh? Life seemed depressing for me and this was also one reason for me to playing games. After all, gaming made me forget who I am and let me be a hero that saved the world and be loved. 

Now back to the great grace of the Lord.

I am aware that my ego is one dangerous issue and I need it to be fixed pronto! So I prayed about it and these past days…even today I was in a situation where the “old” me should be furious and wanting to do some vengeance.

The problem is simple tough. In my circle (my study class about the Lord) God has letting me to know this girl, Junita. It turns out that her personality isn’t better than mine. She’s the type that can’t be annoyed since she is easy to be let down by a person. She will be a brat that playing silence treatment whenever she like even if she doesn’t have any reason to be mad. Frankly speaking, she’s the type that I hate most and I want to avoid forever.

The old me screaming and crying to move out to other class but I know that I must not leave since this is the way God destroying my ego. I was forced to accept her and love her just the way she is. It is really a torture…

The torture on the flesh (beaten) might be easy to endured, but this is a torment to my soul especially my ego.

My mind keeps on telling me that I am rejected, unwanted and nobody would love me; why should I stay in that place? I better leave.   

My mind wants me to leave, but my spirit wants me to stay and endure this ordeal. I am forced to bless her despite of her silly treatment on me while the truth is I want to say harsh words and make her in misery. I’m trying real hard to treat her normally and equally as the others while she’s clearly separate me. I did forgive her and trying to understand her history but her behavior is a no no for the “old” me—ego. The old me would walk away and leave that circle without any doubt and put the blame on her.

Still, I reminded of a song…”I’m in love with God and God in love with me; this is who I am and this is who I’ll be and that’s settle it…” then a story from my mentor, “I don’t need love from people. I only need love from God.”  Seems good, eh? Unfortunately I was still up set…

Surprisingly, the Lord did give me a pleasant experience to cheer me up. Jesus gave me a pleasant taxi driver who is polite and likes to chat about good things just on the right timing when I almost lost my temper. Just now He even send me strengthening words from a friend of the church :D

The real things I want to tell you are…

Who said that history create peoples? My life might be a ruined one and my ego is the offspring of it. But I was not created by my life’s history. I might be ruined now but God is a good Lord that He will fix me at once. I was and am created by the Lord Jesus Christ alone.    

God gives us tests so that we can be developed even more in His hand. Even when the condition seems unfair, God uses it as a tool to polish us to be His perfect bride. After all, I was the one who asked to be destroyed since I want to be perfect and capable in spirit. When I am down and wanting to give up, He set people to cheer me up without their realization. It seems simple but it makes my heart strong again ‘cause I know that He understands and loves me.   

I might still be a lousy person but I believe God is able to change me, and He is able to change you as well. Just ask Him, surely He hears you and know what you need most.

Jesus Loves Me

Lord, I want to cry; I want to unleash my rage

Yet I know, that against Your will

Lord, I want to run into Your arms; I want to cry on Your laps

Pouring out my despair, telling You about my struggle

Lord, You know my heart; even more than I do

Let me feel Your love even greater in this sorrow

Even if my mind keeps telling me I am rejected

Even if my mind keeps pointing me I am unwanted

Even if my mind keeps pushing me I am hated

I won’t do as my fake mind told me to

‘Cause I know that Jesus loves me

And that’s the best thing I ever have in my life

wiT''

02 May 2012, 11:38 pm

No More Ancient Tradition

What is the meaning of becoming a Christian?

It is to following Christ and to become more and more like Christ; Also, become a citizen of God’s kingdom—the heavenly kingdom.

Hence, I am no longer a citizen of this earth but I am a member of God’s family.

It means I am not bound to follow any old tradition from this world; it’s simply because God has made me one of His people that living on His rules, not the world’s rules.

Thus, the world might see me as a freak, weird one, because of this difference. Still, what I am doing is normal for real Christians—people that truly love and follow God with all of their heart and willing to surrender everything for the Lord.  

I guess this brief explanation is enough…let’s get into the point.

Chinese New Year is coming. It has been a tradition for Chinese people to celebrate it, including Tiong Hoa (Chinese descendant people that live in Indonesia).

The family will gather together in one place despite of their home location (ex: Uncle from Java will go to Sumatera or vice versa), dine together, chatting, playing card game (it’s often become a family gambling event), and giving money inside of red envelope called angpao to youngster. Some families (non-Christians or “weird” Christians) even pray to gods for the whole night before the festive time and (sadly) go to their ancestors’ graves to clean the graves and pray to them (yes…to dead people who can’t do anything).

Family gathering is nice, dine together is also good…

Gambling? NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

To be honest, I admit that Chinese people have tendency to gambling (I experienced it and I saw for myself that the fathers, even some mothers, will gather and playing card with some money as the bet).

Angpao? What is the meaning of the red envelope? Sharing fortune to the family is good but sharing can be done every day, it doesn’t have to be the Chinese New Year. Call me freak but I believe there is something bad about those red envelope—painted with some weird pictures and unfamiliar Chinese words…you don’t know what will it bring, duh~

Pray to gods and ancestors? ……..

Le:26:1: Ye shall make you no idols nor graven image, neither rear you up a standing image, neither shall ye set up any image of stone in your land, to bow down unto it: for I am the LORD your God. (Imamat 26:1)

God has declared it clearly that He is the Lord. Christians “MUST” not bow unto anything but the Lord! How could you call yourself a Christian if you still bow unto other gods and do some praying to dead people?? STOP HURTING GOD!

Phew…

I guess, it’s all about faith then... People are free to believe in anything and do anything they think is right. On the contrary, it troubles me to see people, who called themselves Christian, still celebrate this event.

Well, perhaps they aren’t gambling or pray to gods and dead people. But they don’t realize that each year, they celebrate some beast!!!

Chinese New Year always comes with a beast: mouse, horse, tiger, pig, monkey, chicken, dragon, blabla (I don’t remember…praise the Lord!!) and this year, 2012, it’s going to be “water dragon”!!!

http://tiantian1008.deviantart.com/art/Water-Dragon-168715239

Dear fellow Christians, my dear brothers and sisters…you should know that dragon is the interpretation of the devil himself, right? Why would you celebrating his arrival? Why would you celebrating some kind of animals?

In my point of view (which is came just now…thanks dearest Holy Spirit :-* ), celebrating it also count as worshiping those beasts…

Chinese New Year come…it’s the dragon year! Then you’ll see many dragons images around you…people upload dragons as their profile picture, put those images on the doors, and billboard, blablabla… The greetings will come with dragons image attached and so on~~

Many people will see the dragon, happy about it because of the festive hype, gathering and singing some song to celebrate it… isn’t it the same as worshiping?

Even uttering, “Happy “dr**on” year” will be the same as celebrating the beast’s arrival. 

Do you still want to celebrate it? I don’t.

As Christians, we are no longer bound to do some ancient tradition from the world. Chinese New Year is one of many weird and dark tradition from the world that created by the devil himself to make people worshiping him unconsciously.

Jesus has freed us from darkness. Open your eyes! It’s time to be aware about our surrounding and run to God.

Step out and declare the war against the world!       

Once again...

Last day was a challenge for me, my mind was in havoc and the battle was hard. The battle was intense and I have gain some awareness from it.

I admit I snapped for few times and in those events I might hurt some people. However, the worst case yesterday was when I was on my way home last night. I met this brat (again), a bad behaved brat who forced people to accept his envelope. He forced the passengers of the bus to accept his envelope, hoping that there might be (and there are…) some that will put some money in it. And when I wrote “force”, I mean it. Even if people refused to accept it, he will push and leave those envelopes; he even boldly put it in people’s pocket!! Such brat -___- and he has no manner at all…after he done he will walk around and collect his envelopes without saying “Thanks” whatsoever and mock people that feel offended of his behavior. To be honest, this brat wears good clothes; he even wears brand new shoes. So…why would he do that??? 

Let me share my thought at that time…

I want to kick him, push him down or throw him out of the running bus. I want to slap and yell at him, I want to rip those envelopes and throw them away from the window in front of his face. In the end, I have a desire to kill him. Well…to be precise, to hurt him real hard and make him regrets his birth -_-

 If…

I let my emotion to control me and do what I was thinking without trying to control it. I might have killed him and some street thugs might come after me because of my stupid action.

Nevertheless, I prayed in my heart and confessed it all. I do not want to lie, I told God about what I was thinking and I acknowledge my hatred to that boy. (You can’t lie to God anyway so why would I keep it and acting like a saint with a good heart? I told God the truth and He fixes my heart!)

Then a thought came out. If I were to follow my emotion at that time, I am no different than the devil. 

The devil deceives human to follow their emotion, to satisfy their soul without thinking of the consequences. If you want to drink alcohol, just drink it! If you want to have sex, just go for it! You are human after all, it is human! Just do it to please yourself, get those pleasures while you are in the world, satisfy yourself!

What a lie -____________-

The world is a temporary living place. Because the time is limited, human must search for God; instead of following their fleshly desire and get in troubles.

Then Sis reminds me… (Thanks God for using my sister to tell me this). Heaven and hell is real, why would I sacrifice my spot in heaven just because of a brat?

Simpler way is, why would I get into trouble just because of a brat? Just push and control that rage and I’m getting into no trouble—safe and sound in my room.  

In the end, managing your emotions is the first step for everything—avoiding problems that caused by some exploding emotion (lol).

 Furthermore, the mind of a person is a war zone. With controlled emotions, the battle will be easier. And to be able to managing the emotions…Jesus is the answer.

Once again, I was reminded that the key of salvation is Jesus… 

I was a Gamer --Part II

In March 2011, something urged me to ask Sis about message she got from the church. She passed it to me and the message was the time is near, time for Christ. Deep in my heart, I fear it. I understand myself very well; I knew it then, I worship gaming—it became my second god. There was no way I would be saved if I stay this way.

I rushed and started to read bible randomly, prayed and asked God about what I have to do. I even tried to go to some churches but I never went to any church. Then, still in March 2011; I asked God about my second god—gaming, how to get away from it.    

“Delete the game.”

I didn’t believe it at first; I felt weird and started to laugh a little. A voice of nowhere just popped up in my heart.

“Delete the game.”

Ok, a voice in my heart asking me to delete the game. I sat on my bed, started to cry over it. I didn’t want to delete the game; it was such a harsh demand for me then. I bargained but there was no answer, it was a “command” not mere request.

Desperate, I came to my Sis and join her church for a Sunday. The message of that Sunday was a confirmation. The preacher delivered that we must throw away ourselves, everything that chained us. It would be a torture for your soul since there will be some emptiness. However, God will fill it! Don’t be afraid to let go, just trust in the Lord.

I need three weeks to completely stop playing and deleting game. Those three weeks are weeks full of tears and struggle, resulting of unstable state of mind. The hardest part was to say goodbye to my online friends, it was not an easy thing to do—I have no friends around me. Alas, what must be done is have to be done.    

 I sold my pc parts (I asked Albert to dissemble my pc). I thought it was enough, but I still hold my playstation. The images of playing game often loiter around in my mind and tortured me. I have to fight my desire to playing.

Finally, I sold my playstation as well. Leaving me with nothing I could use to return to the virtual world.

I felt like my journey is end and it makes me sad.

Still, I’ve done what I must do. I can only trust God to purify me and fill me with His glory.

Free from gaming addiction is my first step, I still have a long path to walk. 

I was a Gamer -- Part I

Runes of Magic

 I was a gamer.

Tantra

Since junior high I’ve been accompanied by playstation; Final Fantasy IX was my very first game. There was an alert for me and my family, which is my behavior related to gaming; but we didn’t realize it at all. Alas, I kept on playing until the point of game addiction.

Lineage

Gaming was an important activity for me. Without it I felt empty, upset, and unusually bored. I spent half of my life sitting before a monitor and living inside the game. After all, I felt happy and enjoy the adventure in virtual world; real world seemed plain and such a hellish thing (especially the people, I hated socialization).

I loathe my school life; primary, junior high, high school—all were nightmare. I had few friends in primary school and I was hated for some unknown reason. The same thing happened in junior high, I couldn’t blend in and some teachers dislike me for something I didn’t understand then. High school? Even worse. I was forced to apply in a small town high school. I didn’t care about how small the town is; I was tortured by the people there. They were speaking some alien language (country Chinese) while I don’t even understand it at all. I might be there, tried to blend in. Alas they kept on talking to each other, ignoring me—who couldn’t speak their language.

Ran

I ran to gaming. I could forget about those things and had fun in some great adventure and saving the world or maybe just chilling around. I’ve reached the point of being one with gaming. Without gaming I felt like I could die just like fish without water. Gaming is like drug addiction, it’s hard to be free from it.

Because of gaming, my high school bf dumped me and got another girl. It pained me real hard, yet I still didn’t see it come because of gaming. I used to fight with my recent ex-bf because of my gaming obsession, ignored some people that were trying to be friend with me because I choose game instead of socialized in real world, and worst…trading God for playstation (Bro tried to hide my PS2 and I was furious. I threaten to leaving the house and I didn’t wanna pray or go to the church -.-a)

Rohan

Idol Street

Bad experiences caused by gaming didn’t make me stop gaming. I didn’t care about everything else but gaming. It became even worse when I started online gaming. I hated socialization but in online game I could be friendly and had many friends. We helped each other in our virtual adventure, we fight each other, and I’ve met some of them in real world. The relationship I gained from online game was way much better than what I experienced in real life. On the contrary, my relationship with my family and people around me was at the lowest. I never contact my Bro and Sis; I did call my parent sometimes, but my purpose was asking for money; there was no chit-chat. I locked myself in my room, refuse to let anybody enter and annoy me gaming. My whole world was in virtual world.

Cabal

Xen

Now, looking into my past while typing this article; I feel funny. Some good ol’ feeling lingering around me—joy, ashamed, despair, guilty. It was such a joy when I’ve had found my place in online gaming—such a thrill and great adventures with people that accept me. Yet, I feel ashamed of it. I might reach some great achievement in online gaming; however, I had ruined my life because of it. I’ve neglected my study, ignored real people that were living near me, and lost my first love because of gaming. My regret turned into despair. I felt I was living inside a dark pit without anybody that could help me to out. There might be some people tried to pull me out; still, they had no enough strength. Then, guilty. I was wrong to neglect my study—disappointing my parent especially Mom, who always prays for me and reminds me to looking for God. This guilty feeling somehow still stabs my heart, making me cry when remembering about it.

Bad mood and Unlucky Day

http://ekkysabdina.wordpress.com/

Do you know, if you started a day with a bad mood it will affect your whole day to be such an unfortunate day?

Many wise people told us about it and use analogy to describe the difference of starting a day wisely with patience or stupidly with anger.

The most common example is:

A father woke up late. He rushed to prepare himself and “unfortunately” he had an accident with a cup of coffee. His daughter split the coffee on his shirt; alas, he snapped and yelled at her and also scolded the mother. The daughter cried, surely in that state she could not go to the school on bus like usual. The father, after changed shirt, forced to take the daughter to the school – making him arrived at the office even more lately. At this point, the father not only late; he also hurt the mother and daughter.

Turn the scenario; a father woke up late. He rushed to prepare himself and “unfortunately” he had an accident with a cup of coffee. His daughter split the coffee on his shirt, but he patiently smiled at his child and consoled her. While the father changed his shirt, the daughter went to the school on bus like usual. The father then kissed the mother and went the office just in time; well…it might be late but not that late.

I believe many of us ever read about this. However, did you ever experience it?

I did.

I admit I was not a good or kind girl. Instead, I had a temper that made me easy to explode. The core of this bad attitude lies on my ego. Blessed, I have to surrender it all to God and now I’m in some kind of treatment on this temper.

http://seattlest.com/2008/05/14/we_need_more_bu.php

One day, I woke up late and rushed to the office. I didn’t have any coffee accident but I was forced to take a crowded bus to the office. It was a hot morning and I carried some luggage with me. Since I hate crowded place, the crowded bus felt like a torture for me—my mood quickly hit the bottom bar and the unfortunate day started.

Arrived late at the office was not a big deal, the suddenly-broken-netbook was the problem. I couldn’t connect the internet and that’s mean I couldn’t work. Thankfully the office has a spare notebook, which I could use for awhile. I was upset enough and at the evening I realized I lost my purse. It was only coin purse, but I have enough money for one-meal-budget there. I scold nobody but I had an unpleasant day—I realize that whenever I got into some bad mood, my day would be bad (and I don’t even know since when this pattern started. Before I submitted to God, my mood never affect my luck =_=).

Another day, which is yesterday… my mood wasn’t good or bad, was it void. At the morning I tried to be friendly to Selly, yet it was rejected. I admit I’ve done wrong to her in the past, I did apologize to her and it seemed wasted; it is a surprise for me to know some grudge she holds to me. Honestly, it was upsetting me…

 

Arrived at the office, I was doing my usual desk job and sending group mail. I almost done the group mail when I realized I mistook the dating—I felt miserable and for awhile I didn’t know what to do to repent it. I choose to resend the group mail (T_T) and in the middle of it….Yahoo server went down; I felt like I want to bash my netbook. While waiting for the Yahoo server, I tried to promote the event in a forum. I already got this bad feeling but I didn’t prepare at all. There were some unfriendly responses in the forum; moreover there is one guy acted really hostile.

After office hour, I went to Semanggi delivering my novel collection to a buyer. When she checked the novels, it was revealed that the printing company didn’t use high-quality glue to attach those pages. I dislike the idea of letting that buyer go with imperfect books; yet she accepted it and told me the books are great (at that point I didn’t aware, but now I recognize the God’s favor on me). Went home, stuck at traffic, paid a great taxi bill because of that super traffic (==”)

http://www.ehow.com/

Finally home….

Are we done yet?

NO!!

I couldn’t enter my room for awhile because of some error in the keyhole. I thought Evi was already home, but I peeked the room from the window and there was nobody at all; why on earth the key won’t budge? I managed to enter the room after a brute force versus the keyhole (-_-“)

I felt super miserable and almost explode. Still, I ran to God and pour it all. I put it all into His holy fire and let it burned along with my ego. I never aware of it, but there was something that lifts my anger. My anger was gone completely and I gain a bizarre calmness. It was a simple thing, yet a miracle for me J

Thus, let us see the relation between bad mood and faith to the Lord. Some people might realize it already, but I only know this just now… (Thanks Holy Ghost :-* )

Bad mood could be interpreted into ungrateful manners, which is conveyed in a form of unsatisfied feeling on something.

Ordinary people would say this, “Unsatisfied or unhappy is human! There’s nothing wrong with it.”

Yes, it is human. However, human never feel satisfy—human always looking for more and more and even more.

“There is nothing that could satisfy me but the Lord.” (I forgot where I read it but I believe it is said by David, the line would be a little different but it has the same meaning).

http://www.oneyearbibleblog.com/2011/03/march-27th-one-year-bible-readings.html

Get a grip, realize it. Be thankful in every occasion: good or bad, lucky or unlucky, happy or sad. Be thankful for your life, which is granted. Furthermore, God never leave us—be thankful for that fact. Set your eyes on the Lord alone, and you’ll be satisfied more than you ever feel.                    

Shana Tova 5772!!

Rosh Hashana

Synagogue, Rabbi's talk, going on for a while, can you check the clock, huh
Cantor's opera, lost my spot, do you know the place, choir in the slot
Wine we drink, with family now, good deeds you do, good for your soul
Fish head, ram's horn, shofar blow, give some money, appeal for dough

Yo, I'm returnin' to the fold can you explain mo'
Got this desire to know Torah scroll, say hello
Our prayers rock, yeah, we're the Jews and we question
Got the pride, just cant stop, our lives are changin'
Rosh Hashanah's in the house tonight

All the world is passing through the light
Let's all get written in the book of Life
Shana Tova -- It's High Holiday time

Taking stock is what we do tonight
Shana Tova -- it's High Holiday time
Let's all get written in the book of Life
Blow the shofar and -- Shuckle!

Three times a day I'm shucklin'
shucklin', shucklin'

Shofar blast, all across the world we will do this task
Apples and honey, feelin' glad -- now stop, never get mad

Fill the Kiddush cup, my friends around
Books are opened up, the challah's round
All our history, we see it now
Now please hear our plea, we're prayin' now

Stand up, sit down, pass the prayer books around
Stand up, sit down, pass the prayer books around
Stand up, sit down, pass the prayer books around
Pass the prayer books around, pass the prayer books around

Rosh Hashanah's in the house tonight
All the world is passing through the light
Let's all get written in the book of Life
Shana Tova -- it's High Holiday time

Taking stock is what we do tonight
Shana Tova -- it's High Holiday time
Let's all get written in the book of Life
Blow the shofar and -- Shuckle!

Everyday I'm shucklin'

Shana Tova!!!

Life

http://missduckness.blogspot.com/2011/07/ice-cold.html

While the girls gossiping around at the kitchen, I would be locked in my own room reading or writing. I am such a wrench who always feels rejected and casted out. Some people would never realize it but I am what they call as sad and lonely. To be honest, I don’t have anyone to be called as friend, let alone buddy. 

Pity on self is such a great sin; I’m struggling to fight over it. I often tell people to enjoy their suffering, and I know how it feels in reality. I often cry over it and in my loneliness I would have a very low self esteem since I always interpret everything as my fault. If people talking and finished it when I come, I would think that they dislike me and better be off than let me join the talk. I used to be in a situation of being a silent hearer, it felt like an invisible person and it really was breaking my heart. As a result, I distanced myself from the society because in my mind I was thinking that I won’t be hurt if there is nobody around me.   

I don’t know why, but it seems that I am afraid to be hated. I took the path and enjoy it if people hate me for Jesus, but I just don’t understand if they hate me for other reason. In this case, I am strong in Jesus but weak without Him.

Nevertheless, this makes me realize that I am still in love with myself, my ego. I’m longing for a friend but Jesus already is my friend. My mistake is I don’t run after Him but searching for reassurance from mere human.

Now, I suddenly remember a verse about not to depend on human. Human could hurt you, human can betray you, human can kill you; but the Lord is love, everything He has done is based on love, unlike human that act based on their ego. It doesn’t mean to leave the society and being a hermit, it means to just be yourself and let other think what they like; after all, what important most is the Lord.

Right now, I still am such a coward and rejected but I believe in Jesus. He was the one that transformed me from the lowest point of my life, surely He has a plan for me.     

Where is the morality?

There is one phrase that often said by people in Indonesian, “Why good people always die early?” (Orang baik matinya cepat).

There also a joke about it,

Two good people die and come to the after world; they are welcomed by an angel.

“This is not fair, we are good people. Why we die so early?” they ask the angel.

The angel looked confuse and ask, “Did you drink beer or any alcoholic drinks?”

“No.”

“Did you ever do freesex in your life?”

“No!”

“Did you go to night clubs or enjoy any night lifestyle?”

“NO!”

In the end the angel say, “So what’s the point in living in the earth while you people never enjoy the world?”

Seems funny? Sorry, but it isn’t funny at all for me.

This joke literary told us that we have to enjoy the earth’s pleasure, which are those wild lifestyle. That lifestyle might seem cool; I never went to any nightclub before and forever, but I admit I used to dream of that lifestyle (hang out at a club). I imagine going there and hooked with some guy and then gain a beautiful relationship, etc.

 Yet, the Lord’s grace really shines upon me.

I never got any friend that loves to go to night club, so I never went there since nobody would accompany me. Some might say that I’m such a geek or a church freak, blablabla. Hey…believe me, I’m starting to be a church freak since last five months -- It feels like years tough. 

    

Ok, back to the night lifestyle. I believe there’s verse about going out at night, which tells us to be careful since the night is dangerous. Well, it’s true. Behind the glamorous lifestyle you can find that most people are ruined caused by the alcoholic drinks, drugs, and love.

People that try to find pleasure or have fun by going to nightclub often trapped in agony. The truth is hard, nightclub won’t give you any true pleasure. It is just temporary and has a high risk of ruining your life. Well, some people might make the nightclub as a meeting place or a place to dance. I won’t judge them, I believe those people aware of it and can manage to not join the darkness flow.

However, I have one crucial question.

Where are the morality?

Still, the earth lover would question about the good people destiny.

Well, I believe the Lord has the plan and already took care of it. So, why would I bother searching the answer? (^_^)

Sometimes, just enjoy the life without questioning or worry would be the best.