Heart Test

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These past days, my prayers were granted. I asked Lord to destroy my ego and indeed He’s working on it  now.

I used to have a super unpleasant personality and prefer to leave whenever I felt hated, rejected, and unwanted. I don’t know where were they come from but those were just there.

 Hated, rejected, and unwanted—I did shut myself because of these three feeling.

My oldest memory that I can feel really strong even now is the time when my kindergarten teachers treated my differently than another child. Well, the other child was sick and pukes; that event affected me and alas~ I puked as well in my lunch box. While the other child treated kindly, I was scolded and told to wash my lunch box all by myself at the back of the school (I was weeping as I washed the box). I wondered and even now I wonder, did I do anything wrong or bad? Why was I treated differently? Was it because I am ugly? Was it because I am poor?

I can tell you more about my ruined soul, but they are all trash. I only need to open one depressing memory as an introduction to my twisted old personality.

It turns out that the character built by such experience would be an unpleasant one. I was proud and pulling myself back whenever I sense that there are people who don’t like me. I didn’t want to say “Hi!” before people reach me. I felt that if I don’t have any use for a group then I am unwanted. In other words…I didn’t have any self-confidence on myself and always longing to be a beautiful lady so that people would love me. Low self-esteem, insecurity, self-hate followed by envy to others that seems to obtain what I wanting. I even dreamt of being a daughter of a rich family so that I could do or have anything I need to be loved.

What a world for me, eh? Life seemed depressing for me and this was also one reason for me to playing games. After all, gaming made me forget who I am and let me be a hero that saved the world and be loved. 

Now back to the great grace of the Lord.

I am aware that my ego is one dangerous issue and I need it to be fixed pronto! So I prayed about it and these past days…even today I was in a situation where the “old” me should be furious and wanting to do some vengeance.

The problem is simple tough. In my circle (my study class about the Lord) God has letting me to know this girl, Junita. It turns out that her personality isn’t better than mine. She’s the type that can’t be annoyed since she is easy to be let down by a person. She will be a brat that playing silence treatment whenever she like even if she doesn’t have any reason to be mad. Frankly speaking, she’s the type that I hate most and I want to avoid forever.

The old me screaming and crying to move out to other class but I know that I must not leave since this is the way God destroying my ego. I was forced to accept her and love her just the way she is. It is really a torture…

The torture on the flesh (beaten) might be easy to endured, but this is a torment to my soul especially my ego.

My mind keeps on telling me that I am rejected, unwanted and nobody would love me; why should I stay in that place? I better leave.   

My mind wants me to leave, but my spirit wants me to stay and endure this ordeal. I am forced to bless her despite of her silly treatment on me while the truth is I want to say harsh words and make her in misery. I’m trying real hard to treat her normally and equally as the others while she’s clearly separate me. I did forgive her and trying to understand her history but her behavior is a no no for the “old” me—ego. The old me would walk away and leave that circle without any doubt and put the blame on her.

Still, I reminded of a song…”I’m in love with God and God in love with me; this is who I am and this is who I’ll be and that’s settle it…” then a story from my mentor, “I don’t need love from people. I only need love from God.”  Seems good, eh? Unfortunately I was still up set…

Surprisingly, the Lord did give me a pleasant experience to cheer me up. Jesus gave me a pleasant taxi driver who is polite and likes to chat about good things just on the right timing when I almost lost my temper. Just now He even send me strengthening words from a friend of the church :D

The real things I want to tell you are…

Who said that history create peoples? My life might be a ruined one and my ego is the offspring of it. But I was not created by my life’s history. I might be ruined now but God is a good Lord that He will fix me at once. I was and am created by the Lord Jesus Christ alone.    

God gives us tests so that we can be developed even more in His hand. Even when the condition seems unfair, God uses it as a tool to polish us to be His perfect bride. After all, I was the one who asked to be destroyed since I want to be perfect and capable in spirit. When I am down and wanting to give up, He set people to cheer me up without their realization. It seems simple but it makes my heart strong again ‘cause I know that He understands and loves me.   

I might still be a lousy person but I believe God is able to change me, and He is able to change you as well. Just ask Him, surely He hears you and know what you need most.