Life

http://missduckness.blogspot.com/2011/07/ice-cold.html

While the girls gossiping around at the kitchen, I would be locked in my own room reading or writing. I am such a wrench who always feels rejected and casted out. Some people would never realize it but I am what they call as sad and lonely. To be honest, I don’t have anyone to be called as friend, let alone buddy. 

Pity on self is such a great sin; I’m struggling to fight over it. I often tell people to enjoy their suffering, and I know how it feels in reality. I often cry over it and in my loneliness I would have a very low self esteem since I always interpret everything as my fault. If people talking and finished it when I come, I would think that they dislike me and better be off than let me join the talk. I used to be in a situation of being a silent hearer, it felt like an invisible person and it really was breaking my heart. As a result, I distanced myself from the society because in my mind I was thinking that I won’t be hurt if there is nobody around me.   

I don’t know why, but it seems that I am afraid to be hated. I took the path and enjoy it if people hate me for Jesus, but I just don’t understand if they hate me for other reason. In this case, I am strong in Jesus but weak without Him.

Nevertheless, this makes me realize that I am still in love with myself, my ego. I’m longing for a friend but Jesus already is my friend. My mistake is I don’t run after Him but searching for reassurance from mere human.

Now, I suddenly remember a verse about not to depend on human. Human could hurt you, human can betray you, human can kill you; but the Lord is love, everything He has done is based on love, unlike human that act based on their ego. It doesn’t mean to leave the society and being a hermit, it means to just be yourself and let other think what they like; after all, what important most is the Lord.

Right now, I still am such a coward and rejected but I believe in Jesus. He was the one that transformed me from the lowest point of my life, surely He has a plan for me.