Judgment, a dark side of me

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Have you ever wonder about forgiving each other? Do you think you can do it without any pain or maybe unwilling?

I, personally admit it is the hardest thing to do ever. I used to be an unsocial person with an awful pride and unwilling to say “sorry” even if I’m at fault. On the other hand, not forgiving also can means judging a person by our own measurement. Why can’t I just forgive? He/she is a bastard that blablabla~ (why did I called him/her a bastard?).

For me, knowing that I’m wrong and I could fix it it’s enough and I didn’t bother to ask for forgiveness. Yet, if one offended me, I would be furious and thought to do many bad things to that person. Once, I even thought to just kill the person and all my problems would be solved.

Well, I analyzed myself over and over again and realized that my vanity is the source of those dark habits. I was agonizing over it and displeased with the fact that I could just get over it by ignoring those people’s silly behavior, let them slip without any punishment whatsoever. I even wanted to report my ex-friend about her behavior and her boyfriend that always sleepover at this girls-only boarding house, at that foolish girl’s room every night (I admit these words are the reflection of my disappointment) to the house owner in my rage to make that girl and her boyfriend be kicked out (I didn’t do it since I don’t want to make things worse, she’s the type that would kill herself). 

To be honest, I felt like she just forget about my helps when she was at a pit killing a soul and almost die and blablabla (I’m still getting mad…Lord please help me T_T). I was a stupid person that left some ridiculous vanity in my heart and judged her as a slut, a stupid whore that couldn’t live without man. But then I realized that I’m not better than her, I also am a dirty human. Why did I ever judge her?

In Matthew chapter 7:1-5, the Lord clearly tells us about this.

“Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.”

Bang! ” Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again” these words are my shelter that protects me from my foolishness and from the devil.

It is still hard for me to just let it slip and I’m struggle in it. This world might provide many tips to be a better person that forgiving and blablabla, but can it be done with our own power?

Nevertheless, praise the Lord! Jesus frees me from my agony and He also carries me home, away from the darkness. He is the One that changed me and gives me the power to win the battle. I have no power to change myself at all, but He is the one that do the job done :)